Covid Broke Me, Thank Goodness.
I had always been that person. You know the one. Feeding off the dynamic of the room, buzzing at the heart of the creativity, orchestrating energetic exchange. A whirlwind of professional expression, vision and clarity. The person expecting everyone to be everything because I expected myself to be everything to everyone. I was the person that started early, stayed late and expected great things. If the team was great, I was great. I was as much infuriated by complacency as I was invigorated by commitment. Perhaps I was co-dependant but I could be counted on. I got it. I fit in.
Until I didn't.
In a tidal wave of WTF's, the pandemic tore through my starship and momentarily flung me into a professional abyss. Let's take a step back. For years I was praised as an inspiring leader, a mentor and trusted colleague. Leading the marketing charge for some of the biggest brands in the world, I comfortably navigated the complex landscape of innovative marketing in a world where the rules were understood. My professional persona was galvanised with such sparkling validation that I strove hard to achieve more and more success to within an inch of my MacBook swinging life. Praising words were a melodic chant that rang comfortingly in my ears because I truly believed I cared about people, people were important to me in a way I felt other leaders missed. I mean, some of my closest friends are ex-colleagues (tone intended), so why was there a faint murmur of doubt humming behind every back-pat and high-five? Was I really getting it right? Could I be better? I didn't feel like a great leader. I felt a distinct dent in my armour but like any other good exec with access to TikTok psychologists, I put it down to imposter syndrome. After all, I have been a senior female leader in a male dominated space for 20 years - isn't imposter syndrome as sure as death and taxes? I didn't feel like a great leader but surely I must be a great leader, after all, my teams told me so and I only wanted the best for them, didn't I? I wanted them to feel the same pride I did, to enjoy the success I had and to have the clarity I did.
Read that again.
I wanted them to feel what I did, be what I was and understand what I understood.
...and there it was.
I didn't want the best for them. I wanted the best for us. The collective group, the team, the business and lets face it, me. As COVID ripped through our world, the realities of leading a team through one of the most devastating commercial periods in recent history became agonisingly stark. I faced the abyss. People relied on me to lead them. Lots of people. My burden of leadership responsibility was dramatically and abruptly shifted by a global pandemic, the roadmap shredded and the way forward distorted and obscure. I dug deep and for the first time I understood what I had failed to for so long. I stopped seeing professional colleagues as professional colleagues and started seeing them, truly, as human beings. Flawed and real, incompetent and incredible. I looked at our business and our people and I understood one thing with absolute clarity; we wouldn't get through this if we sought comfort in numbers and dialled up the demand on our people. If we commoditised survival we would guarantee disaster. The switch flicked. The work needed to be done and the team needed to rally. I let go of the constraints of control and I lavished trust and communication, I demanded transparency from the business so that my team could find stability in my point of truth. I showed compassion and kindness for every individual before I worried about the results. I've never been more proud of a team as I am of that team. They prevailed, the results came and the business escaped the gallows. They had done their bit.
...but had WE?
I had led them through the uncertainty yes, but in that instant, the rigidity of blinkered management, the traditional culture impervious to true progression, the whispered bias and the veiled mysogyney came into focus in a way it hadn't before. The attempts to 'support our people' seemed weak and vividly disingenuous and I was part of it. Sure, I coated the arrow with honey, easing tension with a reassuring nod and a proverbial nudge but our leadership support came with conditions. I provided a shoulder and esprit du corps but I had disguised great leadership with great approval, great work with great validation. Somehow I protected my people from mediocre leaders by becoming one. Perhaps they didn't know it, but I did. No wonder it felt a little imposter-y, because it was. It was a whole flower-spraying-clown-suit of imposter-y.
Today I feel differently, I have grown as a professional in ways I could never have imagined. For the first time in my working life I have actually chosen to take a brief pause and spend it cuddling and playing with my children. I am beyond blessed to have the financial space to think about what is important to me, to challenge my assumptions about success and purpose. Perhaps that's really what great leadership is all about; stepping back to question everything about ourselves and our beliefs, challenging ourselves to be better. There will always be mediocre leaders, there will always be office politics and office politicians but now more than ever we must hold ourselves to a higher standard. The pandemic was a gift - a scary, shocking, heartbreaking gift.
My father said that true humility is the ability to remain teachable, regardless of what you already know. How then do we learn from this and truly empower our people to be successful and fulfilled? How do we rip up the 'employee handbook' definition of great and live it through our values and actions? We, as senior leaders in our fields, have the chance to change the narrative, to progress beyond anything we have before. Our people have proven themselves to us, they have shown themselves as capable and worthy of our trust. We must continue to empower them to do the right thing, we mustn't define our future working dynamics by the untrustworthy few, but by the trustworthy masses. Give them the space, safety and motivation to be great and the results will exceed anything we could have imagined. Now's the time.
The pandemic has given and taken away. I am planning to return to the UK in June this year, after working most of the last 20 years overseas, because COVID has reminded us all about what is truly important; friends, family, connection & purpose (and in my case, a decent cuppa). I will take on a new role, and whatever that might be, there's one thing that is clearer to me than ever before; as I am talking to recruiters, I will commit to being brave and turn down roles for businesses that don't hold their exec team accountable for leading with integrity, commitment, compassion and trust. Not because I'm bigger than that...but because I'm not.
